Sunday Evening – September 25, 2011

Pastor Joel Renkema

Authentic Christian Sexuality

            Tonight’s sermon addresses an awkward topic.  The topic of sex.  This is something that is awkward for many of you to have to listen to someone else talk about.  And it if is awkward for you to listen to, I imagine how awkward it might be to be the one talking about it.  So then you might ask, “Why are you preaching on this topic?”  Well, in Seminary I had a particularly crusty preaching professor who hammered into us that the entire Bible was according to 2 Timothy 3.16, “God breathed.”  All of the bible from “In the beginning” all the way to the last “Amen” is inspired by God and as such is useful for the preaching and teaching of God’s people.  So everything must be preached.  Even the awkward stuff.  Even the hard passages like King David in the psalms talking about wanting the babies of enemies to be dashed to the rocks.  Even the boring passages, like the long genealogies in Numbers.  And even the awkward passages, like the ones talking about sex.

            And even if that isn’t enough reason to preach about sex there is the practical reason.  Our culture is flooded with sexual innuendo.  TV, movies, magazines, internet… all of it is awash with sex.  A recent study showed that half of all internet searches in America are for pornography.  And 80% of all images accessible on the internet are of porn.  The average person has their first sexual experience already in middle-school, even if they remain technical virgins.  The message of sex is everywhere.  Yet mysteriously it is not found in the church.  The one place that can offer a healthy perspective on sex has remained largely silent.  The one place that can speak to how God created sex to be, what authentic sex is like, is often mute.  In fact, if we the church don’t redeem sex 

            Tonight we’re not going to spend time thinking about the morality of sex.  What is right and what is wrong.  Most of us already know premarital sex , adulterous sex or homosexual sex are not God’s intent for sex.  Though perhaps we have not thought to much of WHY they are not God’s intent for sex. Instead, we’re going to look through the Bible and develop a theology of sex.  And to do so we are going to look at four relationship tensions that are necessary for an understanding of Authentic Sexuality.  Covenant vs Contract, Grace vs Shame, Empowering vs Controlling, Intimacy vs Distance.  And when I talk about authentic sex, or authentic physical intimacy what I mean by that is sex as God created it to be.  Intended it to be.

            First, the tension between covenant and contract.  “An authentic sexual relationship is meant to be based upon an unconditional covenant commitment.”[i]

            What is a covenant?  Covenant is God’s way of relating to his chosen people.  In Genesis 6 he establishes a covenant with Noah.  In Genesis 17.4-9 he makes a covenant with Abraham. 

“This is my covenant with you: You will be the father of many nations… I will establish an everlasting covenant between me and you and your descendants after you… to be your God and the God of your descendants.”

            God follows up that covenant with the 10 commandments on Mt.Sinai.  He makes a covenant with David that the messiah would one day come from his descendants.  In Jeremiah 31 God promises a new covenant not written on stone but written on hearts.

            The nature of a covenant is that it cannot be broken.  It is unconditional.  Was God ever free to renig on his covenant agreement with Israel? No!  It is permanent, even when Israel breaks the covenant God cannot and will not break it.  Israel’s breaking of the covenant did have consequences, however.  The consequences were that they could not enjoy the benefits of the covenant, the blessings.  But the covenant was still in place.  God was still their God. 

            In the book of Hosea God uses Hosea’s marriage to Gomer as a metaphor for his covenant relationship with Israel.  Hosea marries an adulterous Gomer, who frequently runs to the beds of other men.  Hosea then has to go out and find her and bring her back home again.  The picture of Israel being an “unfaithful lover” is painted vividly in Hosea.  But this is nothing new.  God frequently uses sexual language to define his covenant relationship with Israel.

Deuteronomy 3.16 “And the lord said to Moses: ‘You are going to rest with your fathers, and these people will soon prostitute themselves to the foreign gods of the land they are entering.  They will forsake me and break the COVENANT I made with them.”

            Israel is warned time and time again to not go chasing the skirts of foreign Gods in Exodus 34.15-16, Leviticus 17.7, Leviticus 20.5, Numbers 15.39, 1 Chronicles 5.25, 2 Chronicles 21.13.  And the book of Judges in 2.17 says, “they didn’t listen to their judges; for they lusted after other gods and bowed down to them.  Or 8.13 “as soon as Gideon died Israel prostituted themselves with the Baals.  Or the Psalmist in 106.39, “They defiled themselves by what they did; by their deeds they prostituted themselves.” 

            Ezekiel 6 talks about God grieving Israel’s adulterous hearts and their lust for idols.  Chapter 23 is very graphic, “They will leave you naked and bare, and shame of your prostitution will be exposed.  Your lewdness and promiscuity have brought this upon you, because you have lusted after the nations and defiled yourself with idols.”

            Looking back at Hosea after the metaphor of Gomer God says this to Israel in chapter 2.19ff, “I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion.  I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the Lord.”

            This is the story of the Bible.  God moving towards his creation with arms outstretched.  God’s faithfulness and keeping of the covenant doesn’t change.  This is what drove him to Calvary.  The New Testament uses marriage metaphors to symbolize Christ’s relationship to the church.  In Matthew Jesus is asked why his disciples do not fast.  He answered, “How can the guests of the bridegroom mourn when the bridegroom is already with them.”  Ephesians 5 talks about how Christ gave himself up for his bride, the church, in order to make her clean and holy.  Revelation 2.12 gives a vision of the church “coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband.”

            Do you see the picture of God’s covenant relationship?  God reaching out in faithfulness to his people despite our unfaithfulness to him.  This is the model God intended for all authentic human relationships.  An, I will love you even when you fail to love me – kind of relationship.  Not a contractual relationship.  Not a “I will love you IF you love me.”  Not a you scratch my back if I scratch yours.

            Marriage is supposed to be a two-way covenant relationship.  To love and be loved unconditionally.  And the best way for this is a committed, trustworthy relationship.  Covenant creates a space where people can be themselves without fear of rejection.  A contractual marriage, on the other hand, “If I do this then you do that.” It is conditional.  And when the agreement fails, someone is unable to uphold their side of the agreement, or breaks it willingly, then trust is lost.  The conditions for love have changed.  Now what does this have to do with sex?

            If you can’t trust the other person to love you no matter what, you will always hold some of yourself back.  You will try and protect yourself, in case the ‘deal’ breaks down.  And you will engage in sex, but you will never be able to do so in freedom, because you are holding some of yourself back, because you don’t trust that you will be loved.  In this kind of relationship there is plenty of physical pleasure.  But very little joy.  Sex outside of unbreakable and unconditional covenant is just a physical exercise that feels good with some dysfunctional emotions tied on.  This is why premarital sex is harmful.  It exists without commitment, without a true environment of trust.  Because the other person can always call it quits, walk away.  So you can never give yourself over completely.  But in a covenant marriage, where each partner is accepted for who they are there is trust that despite performance, appearance complete unity, ONE FLESH is possible.  But there is more.  Covenant sex is not selfish.  Contractual sex is very selfish.  Covenant sex cares more about fulfilling the other person’s needs.  Contractual sex cares more about getting your own needs met.  And if your needs aren’t met, well then you are free not to meet their needs.  Covenant love provides a foundation that will last, even when things go poorly for a couple.  And since no human couple is perfect, they will fail each other.  They will need grace.

            That brings us to the second tension.  Grace verses shame. “Offering grace rather than placing blame or shame leads to healing and renewal in sexual covenant relationships.”[ii]

            Let us consider Hosea and Gomer again.  A relationship living in an atmosphere of Grace has a good chance for health and renewal.  God tells Hosea in chapter 3.1 “Go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress.  Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods…”

            Hosea treats Gomer with acceptance but also accountability.  He acknowledges her adultery and tells her to leave that behind and she can live with him as a wife.    The message is that God will accept back his covenant community, though there are some consequences.  But God’s love would continue to be shown to Israel. 

            Sexual interaction between a married couple doesn’t need to be as harsh as adultery.  There is failure at all levels, in many disappointing ways in a marriage.  When failure happens the temptation is to place blame on the other person.  Guilt is when someone does something wrong.  Shame, however is the real problem.  Shame is when a person believes that not only have they done something wrong, but THEY are bad themselves.  When a person is shamed in a marriage they either try ridiculously hard to gain forgiveness or they stop trying all together.  They are enslaved by their shame.

            Most adults enter marriage with some sort of sexual shame.  Perhaps it is a history of premarital sex. Physical problems.  Feelings of being unattractive.  Or strict religious belief that sex is bad.  Or they were abused sexually in some way.  Shame has no place in an authentic sexual relationship.  Sexual health means grace.  This means that you do not engage in any bedroom activity that either shames one of you, or plays upon existing shame one of you has.  I have been asked in premarital counseling what kind of sex is allowed by God in marriage.  The answer is simple, because of Grace all sex between two married people in their marriage is acceptable, except for whatever causes shame. Grace is not a push over.  Grace has no tolerance for anything that is dehumanizing, shaming.  Grace does not tolerate anything that says that what God has created is not good.  This means sex is good.  This means shameful sex is bad.  This is grace.  Grace, expressed in the right way to one another empowers a couple.

            The third tension is empowerment verses control.  “A sexual relationship is one in which personal resources and gifts are used to affirm the other, rather than control them.”[iii]

            Let’s review quickly.  Covenant is the vow to always love. Grace is the ability to forgive. And now empowerment is using your power to affirm and strengthen your partner.

Jesus is big on empowerment.  In John 10.10 Jesus said, “I have come that they have life, and have it to the full.”  In John 1.12 it says, “But to all who received him, who believed in his name, he gave power to become children of God.”

Jesus flipped the idea of what power is for on its head.  He constantly gave power away.  He chose to be a suffering servant instead of a conquering prince.  He washed feet instead of leading armies.  He said in Mark 10, “Whoever wants to be great must first be a servant... for even the son of man did not come to be served, but to be a servant…”

Power is the ability to influence another person.  And using power in a healthy way is not just giving others what they want, but actually building up in that person resources and strengths in them.[iv]  Someone who is empowered now has the power because someone else believes in them an encourages their potential.  Empowerment in sex is quite literally “love in action”[v].  Power is a huge player in a sexual relationship.  Too often one partner tries to manipulate, coerce the other partner in sexual matters.  Often those who feel powerless in their relationship in general will use sex as a way to gain power.  They will withhold it and ration it out at their will.  They will not ever initiate sex or they will barely participate when they have it.  It can also be the other way around.  Perhaps one partner will never consider another partner’s preferences, desires or even that they do in fact have a headache or are quite tired.

Power in our culture is seen as a strength.  It is not something we view as worth giving up.  Because we can use it to control people.  Get what we want from people.  Jesus, however, is very clear that in all things we are supposed to be servants.  Healthy power is given up.  In a marriage partners should share their sexual decisions.  Each partner needs to respect certain boundaries in the relationship.[vi]  Perhaps most importantly, partners are responsible for the OTHER person’s enjoyment, rather than their own.  Real authentic sex is not about getting but giving.  No real authentic connection can be made between a couple if one has all the power. 

Think of how Jesus washed his disciple’s feet.  They didn’t want to let him do it.  They wanted to wash his feet.  But in the end they needed to accept that this was Jesus gift to them.  Physical intimacy between a husband and wife works the same way.  It isn’t about status.  It is about giving a gift.  Maybe next time you get away for a romantic weekend leave the rose petals behind and instead take a water basin and towels.  Wash each other’s feet.  When you serve each other, instead of control each other.  This is when intimacy happens.

That is our final tension.  Intimacy verses distance.  “A sexual relationship is meant to deepen one’s experience of knowing and being known.”[vii]

In Genesis chapter 2 it says that Adam and Eve were naked and knew no shame.  They stood before themselves and God and never felt the need to cover up.  But their nakedness in Genesis 2 is about way more than just nudity.  They were open, vulnerable and transparent with each other.  In a way, you could say that they were completely authentic with each other. 

In Genesis 1.27 it says that God made humans in his image.  He made them male and female.  From the beginning man knows he is different from woman.  And woman knows she is different from man.  Yet they also have a relationship with one another.  In chapter two it says that husband and life shall leave their parents.  They will go on their own.  Be their own people.  And when this is done, then they can join in relationship with someone else.  This is important.  For intimacy a person must be able to differentiate, distinguish themselves from others (LEAVE YOUR PARENTS) in order for them to be able to come together with someone else (get married).  You understand?  You have to be your own person in order for you to be able to connect meaningfully, intimately with another.  And you have to be able to be your own individual while also being connected to someone else.  This is healthy.  If you can’t do this then you are either only an individual.  Or you cannot begin to understand who you are apart from other people.  Those are not healthy. 

And here is the thing.  The degree of your sexual intimacy with your spouse is directly related to the total possibility of intimacy in the relationship (emotional, intellectual).[viii]  If you cannot connect to another person because all you can think of is yourself, or if you cannot think about yourself apart from being connected to someone else then sexual intimacy will be low, due to fears of being exploited, abandoned, engulfed or entrapped. As one Christian psychologist I read says, “Satisfying sexual encounters are based on two strong individuals who are full, not empty, so they are secure enough to give and receive in mutually interdependent ways.”[ix]

            In other words.  Good sex happens between emotionally secure people.  Insecurities and over inflated egos ruin authentic sex.  You have to be secure in yourself.  But you can’t think your are God’s gift to the opposite sex.

            Intimacy involves being known and knowing each other in all areas of marriage.  Physical intimacy is only one of these areas.  Perhaps the one thing that builds intimacy the most and does away with distance is communication.  Each partner must feel free to freely express their sexual feelings, desires and struggles.  Only when sex is woven into a wide communication net that covers all of marriage can two people get to the deepest places of knowing each other.

            Hopefully you have seen that all four tensions lead to the next tension.  Covenant leads to grace, which leads to empowering and that leads to genuine intimacy.  At anyone point this can be hijacked when one person in the relationship doesn’t dare take the risk.  The risk of being vulnerable.  The natural thing for us humans to do is try to turn all of our relationships into deals.  I will love you if you love me.  I will not shame you if don’t shame me.  I will empower you if you empower me.  I will communicate with you if you communicate with me.  We are like this, because of fear.  Fear that we won’t be accepted for who we are.

            So I leave you with 1 John 4.18, “There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear.”  God gives us perfect love so that we can respond without fear, without shame or hiding.  And we are back at square one, unconditional love.  The cornerstone of all authentic sex.

            May we all be strengthened by God’s perfect love so that fear doesn’t rule our marriages and we can move towards an authentic, Spirit lead relationship together. Amen.